i think i've felt for a long time that god had a purpose for me and that he had something he wanted me to do.

i jsut kinda felt it. i want to do as he wishes, and i'm completly open to him and will do my absolute best to fullfill his wishes.

for a long time i've felt that it was to save derek and help him mature in his faith, and it has been working,
derek desires faith and he desires help and i'm there to help him. i feel greatful that god has put him in my life, and
i will do as he tells me when it comes to derek.

i met someone new this year. it was random. he just happned to sit next to me in chem and boom

connection.

he seemed almost perfect, smart, funny, witty, caring, selfless.

and christian. i didn't know for sure, but he seemed christian.

on his myspace it says he's christian, he has the fish on the back of his car, a cross on his rear veiw mirror, he doesn't swear, and he listens to some christian rap.

i was elated. a new christian friend. one i could relate too, soon to share feelings and fears and a new friendship.

so i started working at our friendship. i invited him to my club and he drove me home. we made CDs for each other and what not.

omg i was

:D

i couldn't believe i would have another christian friend outside of my church life.
i couldn't yet. i hadn't confronted him about it right out yet.

then today came.
in Advanced Comp we took personalities tests and it just so happend that we ended with the same personality, therefore in the same group, next to each other. there the converstaion started.
it started with grandparents, his grandpa had died over the summer. then how his mothers parents hated him for not being muslim.

i told him "well, i'm glad your not muslim"

he looked at me "what does it matter? I'm mean i'm not really christian or anything, i just beleive in peace"
my

heart

shattered.

everything just totally blew up i my mind. i had read him wrong, i saw the wrong things, hoped to high.
i wanted to reply, defend god on my faith. but i was afraid of crying so i totally withdrew from the conversation. and it ended.

i left that class distressed. like he had just died, and i didn't even know him yet.

so.

why had god presented me with someone like that to take him away?
i already dont want to date, obeying my parents. i'm uninterested in relationship right now. i need new friends at this point, derek and kirstin are graduating this year. it hadn't even started. why did he have to be fake, not what i was looking for?

because its not for me, not for me only to enjoy this new friend, which be selfish on my part.

it should be for god.

i dont know exaclty what god wants me to do, but he has presented me with this person for a reason. I'm not going to abandon him now when i realize there is potential for faith.

perhaps god wants me to help this one too.

but i realize how i unfit i am right now. my biblical knowledge isn't acceptable, and i dont feel confident to defend my faith biblically.

maybe god wants me to study more, to become closer. to actually use the one tool he left human with for any hope of salvation.

i'm oh so willing and i ask for your prayers to help me.

and prayers to the holy spirit that it may open up this persons heart. and dereks heart. and others hearts.

i want to do god's will.

mmm i havn't posted in a long time.

alot has happend, i must say haha.

the thing i wnated to write about most is my trip to the Toledo Zoo with Derek, Kirstin and LILI!<3

yess we drove down there all by ourselves and went to the zooand :]] it wasreally nice.

derek got some embereessing pics of me and lili sleeping... and i'm not gracing xanga with any pics out of laziness and lack of time.

BUT.... in addition to "lack of time", my liufe has been that of. i've been sleepdeprived becuase of the massive amounts of homework AP U.S. History inflicts. it really kills you.

anyway.

my FIRST SHOW OF THE YEAR is coming up.

This Saturday, 7:00 at theLogan. Tickets are like 5 I think.

it's Ampametahistalicitca ver. 4

with Alex Berk ascello 3. its the just the 3 of us, but notto shabby.

come see if u like.

It's the Cheiffettes show, so i wans't to excited, but it is an opportunity.

Today, the schools voted for the homecoming court.

yes, I did run for homecoming queen.

i dunno what to tell you. maybe i won, maybe not we'll see.

even if i did, i'm not going to homecoming. Derek's having a party so, my night is at his house :].

yes.